Goodbye, Facebook. Duck you.

In 2008, I jumped on the Facebook bandwagon with a vengeance. I had two kids at that point, and the idea of being able to connect with friends, family, strangers, etc. seemed dreamy. I posted every cute family pic, every detail of my somewhat mundane existence, every opinion I had about anything, and every comical or inspiration meme I came across.

Over the past 11 years, I probably logged on at least twenty thousand times. Twenty thousand ducking times! I became reconnected with people that I was never really connected with in the first place. We don’t live in the dark ages. If they really wanted to connect, there are phones.

Nope, people jumped on social media because it is the perfect storm for bragging, complaining, yelling, and spying. Where else can you completely obliterate someone with insults, then block them before they can even respond. I love to fall down the rabbit hole of people’s pages with no privacy settings. All of a sudden, I am looking at pictures of the family of the sister of some guy who is friends with some woman who said something that irked me. I admit, I am the creepy guy with binoculars across the street. Ok, I’m not a guy, and I don’t own binoculars; however, I do have a computer, and I can maneuver through social media like the Pink Panther.

How many fights have I engaged in on FB? I can’t even count. I suppose the greatest aspect of FB is the fact that people will just put their true selves right out there for the world to judge. Based on that, I could easily discard people with unacceptable thoughts about anything from whether cilantro sucks (which it does,) to abortion rights (which don’t suck.)

I realized that nobody actually cares about my pictures of my kids with spaghetti all over their faces or the places I go on vacations. Of course, everyone just posts the vacation pics to rub it in to those who posted their vacation pics. “My beach vacay kicks your Disney vacays ass!” You don’t say it, but you mean it! I write because I like to write. I don’t really know what I enjoyed about feeding my insecurities by publishing my life for public scrutiny.

Now Facebook seems to be getting into the mind reading business. I find it super creepy when their advertising algorithms create content about shit I was just thinking about shopping for. They somehow know what crap I want that I never knew I wanted, nor did I ever need. Do I want the best socks on Earth? Hell yes! I especially do after you post 800 ads for it. I have now convinced myself that without socks that cost $20 a pair, my life is just not worth living. I have a ducking degree in advertising. I was taught how to manipulate the consumer. Not even a trained individual can resist the 50 ads for a kit to stamp a stupid word on a stupid metal ring to put on a stupid necklace so that you have a reminder to “Be Kind” or “Breathe.”

How many ducking memes do I need to inspire me to get off my ass and be happy. I know. Anger is a wasted emotion, exercise will help my mind and my body, the food I eat is the fuel for my mind, live in the moment and not in the past. Blah, blah, blah. Barf. Duck it. Eat, sleep, survive, repeat. Enough said.

To those who were unfriended: I either was trying to disconnect from FB, I don’t like you anymore, I never liked you but your connection added to my “Friends” number, I can’t stand you but I tolerated you for a while because your stupidity was amusing, I wanted to be your friend but I gave up, you voted for the orange pumpkin, I was only friends because you are family and I realized that genetics don’t mean shit, I stayed friends on FB for a while to avoid the conflict, etc. You get the picture.

It was a long run. It was exhausting at times. I am now jealous of those who never jumped on. Who knew that this little app called FB would become so pervasive in our lives and our society.

I know, I blog. However, for now, I am staying somewhat anonymous. I just need an outlet for my endless need to spew my stream of consciousness. If you enjoy FB, have at it. I get it. If you find that you lost your true self somewhere in the realm of social media, feel free to disengage.

I’m gonna go check on my Insta account now. Dude, I’m not perfect or a caveman!

Hey, Mark, go duck yourself. Peace out.